Lindsey Magner, LMFT

Nothing compels me more than relationships.

Part of the reason why I love working with marriage so much is that people still choose it, even though we’ve sort of outgrown the archetype. We don’t require marriage for physical and financial safety anymore, nor do we need it for procreation. It feels meaningful to me that people still choose it, and it feels spiritual when a couple takes time out of their lives to intentionally tend to their commitment, especially when things aren’t completely falling apart.

It’s a tough step to seek help when in crisis, but it may be just as hard when people think “this is fine, but it’s not what we dreamed up when we made this choice” Whatever the reason precipitating the initial call, engaging in couples therapy is Big Time Brave. Dr. Terry Real describes moments when, against all instincts and historical patterns, partners choose to do something different than they tend to in stressful moments. He calls these contrary choices relational heroism. Saying the unsaid thing, leaning into the fear, choosing compassion over criticism, staying with the discomfort; learning and living into secure functioning really is nothing short of heroic.

Bearing witness to that kind of courage is one of the great honors of my life.

When couples leave my office and I think “wow, you have built a relationship anyone would be proud to claim. You’ve created safety, you turn toward your partner’s bids for connection even when it’s hard, you collaborate even when decisions are complex and high stakes, and you’ve really made the effort to SEE each other…”

There are few things better than that.

Humans are hard-wired for connection. Our deepest need is to be safe and seen. Belonging is our birthright.

What is Secure Functioning?

You don’t have to have secure attachment to have secure functioning. Secure Functioning is behaving in ways that put our relationship before everything else. Resisting the normal human inclination to look out for ourselves and take what we want when we want it. Trusting that as we put our partner first, our partner is putting us first as well. When our actions say, “you may be a pain in the butt, but I know that I’m also a pain in the butt. No matter what, I have your back, I trust that you have mine, and whatever life brings, we are in each other’s care.”

The Tenets of Secure Functioning:

  • Transparency

  • Collaboration and Cooperation

  • Sensitivity

  • Justice and Fairness

  • Quick Repair

  • Protecting Each Other in Public AND in Private

I Most Often See 

Request Appointment

  • Uncover fears, clear away hurts from the past, and build the foundation for a marriage you want and deserve

  • I get it because I am it. There are excellent straight clinicians, but it's a big exhale when your therapist shares your lived experience. I uniquely understand what it is to be queer in the world and in relationship, and you are always safe in my room.

  • The life of a helping professional can be as taxing as it is rewarding. Vicarious trauma and compassion fatigue, residency and long hospital hours, holding others' suffering and constantly combatting burnout are their own brand of intimacy killers. Get clear about priorities, hear and understand your partner's lived experience, and claim more joy and ease

  • Putting your relationship first in a stew of sticky hands and constant needs can feel close to impossible. I know this. I've lived this. Kiddos do best, however, when their grown-ups are happy and working as a team. Strengthening your connection creates security and stability for everyone living in your home

  • If there's one theme that most commonly arises in my work with poly/open relationships and blended families, it's "messy." But messy has meaning. Solidify values, create safe boundaries, and expand compassion to thrive in the relationship that is best for you.

  • Marriage therapy after a rupture or loss is its own animal. We so badly want relief from the pain and get desperate to make sense of a world turned upside down. There are no fast fixes or easy answers. But it's safe in my room and marriages can heal from even the biggest hurts.

“We want to know our efforts are noticed and appreciated. We want to know our relationship is regarded as important by our partner and will not be relegated to second or third place because of a competing person, task, or thing.”

-Dr. Stan Tatkin

Trainings & Credentials

M.A. Marriage and Family Therapy

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

  • PACT Level One

  • RLT Level One

  • BSP Level One, Level Two

  • Experiential Therapy Institute, Onsite

  • Trauma-informed CBT